crotchety ruv

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  I just woke up with my reading lamp unplugged and lying next to me in bed. You never know what to expect from your one night stand.   All my friends have such expansive bucket lists. My little one pails in comparison.   The guy at the hardware store tried to sell me a 500 ft spool of rope for $2, but I refused. I don't like long good buys.   I used to have an inferiority complex.... But, it wasn't a very good one.   "Hello, My name is Dave and I'm addicted to baby powder " Talcoholics Anonymous.   Fred comes from a family of magicians. He has 2 half sisters.

  Mike was going to be married to Lesley, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, ‘Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here, try these on!' She did and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them. ' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems.' ''Hmmm,' said Mike. He thought that might be good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Lesley, 'Here try these on.' She tried them on and said, 'These are too large, they don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family, and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.' Then Lesley took off her pants, and handed them to Mike. She said, 'Here, you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't get into yo

  Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the  street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied. Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother? A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go. Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer it!" My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers? A: They never let anyone finish a sentence! A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven'

 

 

 

 

 

  A Russian Jew named Jacob was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel. At the Moscow airport, a customs inspector found a statue of Lenin in his luggage. "What is this?" Jacob replied, "Wrong question, comrade. You should have asked 'Who is this?' This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of Socialism and created the future prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero." The Russian customs official sent him on his way. At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs official also asked "What is this?" "Wrong question, sir. You should be asking 'Who is this?' This, my friend, is Lenin, the bastard who caused me, a Jew, to leave Russia. I take this statue as a reminder to curse him every day." The Israeli official sent him on his way. When he settled in his new home, Jacob placed the statue on a table. The following evening, he invited friends and relatives to dinner. Spotting t

https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/orson-welles-drunk-wine-commercial  

  Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of jockey shorts worn by         Jewish men Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms

 

 

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUOTCw2nAYI  

  If the husband is the head of the family, then the wife is... The neck. Because she can turn the head anywhere.   What do you call a bed pan in Russia? A poo-tin.   Yesterday I got stuck in a hall of mirrors It was a day of reflection   I fell asleep reading old magazines and woke up with back issues.   Bananas are one of the most popular fruits because they have a peel.   If you're having money problems, just spend all you have, then you have no money problem   I used to date a stewardess from Helsinki I dropped her off at work one day and she vanished into Finnair   Fred likes to jog in place on the rug in his hall. He’s a carpet runner.   The farmer's wife took off with a tractor salesman. Left him with a John Deere letter   paleontologist: a person who studies albinos

 

https://www.israelunwired.com/robin-williams-tells-the-passover-story-and-its-hilarious/  

 

 

 

 

 

 

  My doctor has discovered that I'm allergic to rice. Apparently I'm basmatic.  

 

 

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/news/world/worst-mice-plague-i-ve-ever-seen-millions-of-rodents-descend-on-eastern-australia/ar-BB1eZXO3?li=AAggFp4  

  This video shows an electric plane model with reversing props, but this is unbelievable. He's defying the laws of aerodynamics, and just about the time you think you've seen everything, he does more. And, yes, he won the competition

 

 

 

 

 

   1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her  snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."    2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."    3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."    4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."    5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."    6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."    7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."    8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks

 On this day in 1876 Alexander Graham Bell made the first telephone call and moments later he found out his air ducts needed cleaning.   What do you call a frozen dinner that's average at best? Mean cuisine   Never call the tinnitus helpline. It just rings and rings.   I was going to tell you a scary rumour I heard about margarine... Then I thought, butter not, you might spread it...   A Norwegian fell down a canyon. It was a Fjordian slip.   Outlaw wildebeests are nothing but bad gnus   What was the epileptic chef's special menu item? Seizure Salad.   I went to a wedding where the groom was left at the altar. It went off without a hitch

 

 

 

  A man goes to see the Rabbi. '       "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I         have to talk to you about it."       The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"       The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me."       The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"       The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me.What should I do?"       The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."       A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to         your wife on the phone for three hours You want my advice?       The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/entertainment/tv/news/the-kominsky-method-netflix-sets-premiere-date-for-third-and-final-season/ar-BB1eVcuK?li=AAggNb9  

 

 

 

 

  I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies.   Revenue Canada 'Service' Postal 'Service' Telephone 'Service' Cable TV 'Service' Civil 'Service' City, Provincial & Public 'Service' Customer 'Service'   This is not what I thought 'Service' meant. But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.   BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

  What sings, acts and itches on your head? Lice-a Minnelli What is a good career for a guy who can't float? Anchorman A gastroenterologist walks into a bar The bartender says, I'd offer you a booth, but I assume you want a stool

 

   

 

 

  It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/entertainment/celebrity/have-you-seen-the-most-popular-foreign-language-films-on-netflix/ss-BB1eQ4G7?li=BBqdc3x#image=1  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 When I first heard of gonorrhea...I thought it was an anti-diarrhea medicine.   A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments. That has left scientists scratching their heads.   I hate spring cleaning. Damn things bounce all over the place.   "Gilbert O'Sullivan came into my bank the other day," "What did he want?" "A loan again, naturally..."   What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once A four loaf cleaver   My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy. I just don’t see it.   What are the unspoken rules of sign language? All of them.   If the Mantis'es are praying, what is their religion? It varies, they're all in sects.   Which program do jedi use to open PDFs? Adobe Wan Kenobi   Doors usually aren't bad tempered, but if you bump into one, it might start swinging.   I’ve been thinking about taking up meditation. I

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leader's sandwich shop every day, then... ... you dilly dally in the Dalai's deli daily.

 

  Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival, they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:  "Don't hit the geese during your first three months here." The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The geese?” "Yes," St. Peter replies, "There are thousands of geese walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band.  It really breaks the tranquility all over heaven, and if you hit one of the geese, you'll be punished.  Otherwise, everything is yours to enjoy.” Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of geese everywhere.  Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hits a goose.  The goose quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon he

 

https://www.msn.com/en-ca/video/news/man-attempts-to-eat-100-mcdonald-s-cheeseburgers/vi-BB1eICTy  

https://driving.ca/chevrolet/silverado/column/driving-by-numbers/driving-by-numbers-did-canadians-buy-reliable-vehicles-in-2020  

  The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54 😳 The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57 😳 The world bodybuilding champion  died at the age of 41 😳 The best footballer in the world, Maradona, died at the age of 60 😔 And then.. KFC inventor dies at 94 😊 Investor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88 😊 Cigarette maker Winston  died at the age of 102 😜 The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake ☺ ️ Hennessy inventor dies at 98 😊 How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life? The rabbit is always jumping, but it lives for only 2 years. The turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives  400 years. So,  Have a drink Light 'em up Take a nap If you wake up have bacon & eggs!!

  Why do they call it horseback riding; are people so dumb that they need reminding what part of the horse to ride?

https://north99.org/tell-ottawa-stop-the-rogers-shaw-merger/?utm_source=North99&utm_medium=Email&utm_campaign=Stop%20Rogers%20Merger%20Petition&utm_content=Stop%20Rogers%20Merger%20%E2%80%93%20Petition%20Test%20%E2%80%93%20March%2017%202021&link_id=2&can_id=fcdc597ccd07247ed4828a24adc04be6&email_referrer=email_1112963&email_subject=say-no-to-the-rogers-shaw-merger  

 

 

  Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:  "And what do you think is the best thing a bout being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

  A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?” She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.” “If you don’t mind my asking,” he said, “what do you use it for?” “We use it when we make love,” she said. The researcher was a little taken aback. “Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it?” The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out.”

  While installing a new door, I found one of the hinges missing.  I asked my wife if she would go to Home Depot to pick one up.  She said she would.   While waiting for the manager to finish serving another customer, her eye caught two beautiful bathroom faucets - one for the sink and one for the bathtub.   When the manager was ready to help my wife, she asked, "How much are those faucets?"   The manager replied, "They are gold-plated faucets and very expensive!  $5,000 each!"    Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, they are really expensive - certainly out of my price range!"  She then proceeded to describe the hinge I had sent her to buy.   The manager said he had them in stock, and their price was $3.49.  He went to the back room to get them.   From the back room, the manager yelled, "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"   Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucets."