Gordisms...

 

It's not the minutes spent at the dinner table that make you gain weight.
It's the seconds.

 

A couple of campanologists were having an argument.
It was a right old ding dong.

 

Fred used to be confused about metamorphic rocks.
Eventually he got the schist of it.

 

Fred never expected his deaf girlfriend to break it off with him..
...but there were signs.

 

I'm trying to avoid another long argument about measuring angles.
I don't need this to become a protracted dispute.

The actress who always  brings her male child with her wherever she goes?
Gillian Anderson.

 

What do socialist grammar nazis call each other?
Commarades.

 

The average person is really mean.

 

It's hard to prove that you got food poisoning.
You often don't have any solid evidence.

 

Fred said he was going to get a massage gun.
I couldn't help but think, "That's a soothing way to kill people."