Posts
I know a bunch of good jokes about umbrellas... but they usually go over people’s heads. Don't like Alexa listening in on your conversations? Try Alex the male version... it doesn't listen to anything. I woke up today laughing. I think I slept funny. If I buy a bigger bed, will I have more or less bedroom?
What did the deaf person say after his winning bid at the auction? I’ve won…but at what cost? Proctologists would make the best fugitive hunters. They always get you in the end. They have made 7 Mission Impossible movies and succeeded every single time. Shouldn’t it be called Mission Very Very Likely by now? Fred found his coffee mug shattered. Must have happened on break. Fred's wife was asking him what sorts of greens he put in the salad. He wasn't expecting the spinach inquisition.
Fred wanted to try Viagra, so he asked the pharmacist if he could get it over the the counter, Pharmacist said "Yeah if you take 2 or 3". Fred found a snake on his car. It was a windshield viper. In Germany, I saw a man with a toddler that just wouldn’t stop yelling and screaming. To keep him quiet I suggested he give him a sausage, but it only made the brat worse. Fred watched a fascinating documentary about the perfume industry last night. It was on the History Chanel.
good one from doug...
My best friend loves Batman. So I said to him after our 6th beer: “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” Him (rolling his eyes): “Go on, then.” So I growl: “NOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” Him: “That’s Superman.” Me: “Thanks, I’ve been practicing a lot.
Fred says his wife is a sex object. When he asks for sex, she objects . Fred complained to his doctor that his arthritis was getting really bad. Doctor told him it was just early onset rigor mortis. Fred lost his job as a train engineer. He just couldn't stay on track. It derailed his whole career. Most tree species can be used for firewood. But in the end they're all ash, Someone just accused me of *plagiarism*. Their words, not mine. The pump in Fred's garden fountain quit. It's now more of a fountain't. I love hyperbole more than anyone else in the whole wide world. A shark will only attack you if you're wet.
joke of the year?...
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!" She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts. "Pierre!! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie. "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!" She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me much lower!" Pie...
If you forget the purpose of a boomerang, try not to stress out about it. It’ll come back to you eventually. Fred broke up with his anesthesiologist girlfriend. She was nice, but he just didn't feel anything. Then he dated a chiropractor who turned out to be a pain in the neck. A guy on a tractor just drove by shouting the end of the world is nigh! Turns out it was Farmer Geddon.
Fred wants to learn how to sew. He says it’s not as easy as it seams. Police didn't catch the thief who stole a truckload of Windex and Lysol. He made a clean getaway. Fred didn’t realize how offended blind people get when you ask if Braille is hard to learn. It’s a touchy subject. Life is a lot like a funfair. It's just missing the first 'f'.
map of ancient grease Fred tried to start a business deodorizing stringed instruments. But nobody much cares for scents-less violins. You are never just given a cremation permit... You have to urn it. The luxury car preferred by sushi chefs? Rolls rice. Fred landed a marketing position at a company that makes foam rubber… So far it seems like a pretty cushy job.
The name of the prequel to the Hunger Games? The Peckish Games. Can't decide what to have with leftover Buffalo sauce? Just wing it. Fred sued his tailor for not altering his jacket and pants correctly. It wasn’t much of a suit. A list of positives and negatives about teaching inmates to write novels? The pros and cons of prose and cons.
A grouping of crows is called a murder because any time you have a bunch of crows in one place, that's probable caws. Fred drives a big brown delivery truck for a living. And just like any job, it has its UPS and downs. Fred once had a perfectly made flatbread pie with tomato sauce and cheese, expertly executed by an artisan chef. It was a real master pizza. Actors and directors feel like they can accomplish anything at the upcoming film festival. They have a real Cannes-do attitude.
