a double dose today....

 A cocaine addict just snorted his grandmother's ashes.

Apparently it was half a gram.

Fred's family gave him plasticine for Christmas.
He doesn't know what to make of it.

Fred didn’t get any Christmas gifts, but says that’s OK, he can just imagine them.
He has good presents of mind.

How does a butcher's convention start?
With a meat and greet.

Fred woke up this morning with a tap on his door.

He had hired the world's worst plumber.

Comatose: a bad case of your foot being asleep.

What do you get if you put "The Sound of Music" in the Star Wars galaxy?
Don't do it. It's a von Trapp.

Fred knew he had a weight problem after eating his family’s entire dinner straight out of the pan.
That’s when he hit wok bottom.