I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
- Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age.
As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
- Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is
like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
- Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odours:
Eat out.
- Phyllis Diller
I want my
children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them.
- Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a
bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching
them to walk and talk and the next twelve years
telling them to sit down and shut up.
- Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out.
I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is
looking for a job the next day.
- Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I
accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
- Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
- Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice -- they
just look like me.
- Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?'
He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
- Phyllis Diller
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is
so you can't see him laughing.
- Phyllis Diller
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