Gordisms...

 How does a coniferous tree express its thought?

It opines

 

Every night, Fred dreams that he's filling up his house with unnecessary grocery items.
He must have stock home syndrome.

 

Never date someone with a high-pitched voice.
They're nothing but treble.

 

The 80s rocker who makes the best soup?
David Lee Broth

 

One of the bunions on my feet is so big I've named it Paul.

 

A junkie broke into the local linguistics department
They were looking for morpheme

 

I challenged Fred to to name any 3 Qatar players?
He said B.B. King, Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix

I held the door open for a clown, and he said “thank you”
That was a nice jester.

 

You know you've become a senior...
When you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police

 

Does it make sense to see happy people shopping on Black Friday?
Shouldn't they be pissed off that they're being ripped off the other 364 days of the year.

 

I got a pet termite recently.
His name is Clint. Clint Eats-wood.

 

Fred got lost in a grain field...
They could barley find him

 

Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain due to all the indoor fins.