Marriage tip: When your wife says "Do spontaneous things to surprise me" she doesn't mean to fill her purse with chips and salsa.

 

Its best to leave social media to the media

 

Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet
It really made Joe Lean

 

Cannibal (definition):
Noun: someone who is fed up with people.

 

Fred disliked the movie about romance on the Iditarod.
He thought it was too mushy.

 

The  Japanese man who thought he could drink and drive got caught.
Too clever for his own sake.

 

It's not easy make it as a barista.
It's a latte of work

 

What do you call the candidates for the best food awards?
The nom nom nominees.

 

I will only listen to the theme song from "Looney Tunes" while I'm driving.
It's a car tune.

 

I was asked what I thought about an idea for a swimming pool with no shallow areas
I said , all depends

 

If you suck at playing trumpet...
that's probably why.

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