Gordisms...

 Do you know the app which appreciates and cheers you up?

It's called Applaud

 

We had a King Wencelas pizza for our Christmas dinner...
It was deep pan, crisp and even

 

I found a coin on the street the other day, and it had teeth marks all over it.
It was a Bitcoin.

 

Major airlines are cancelling flights as staff call in sick.
If I was in charge, none of their excuses would fly.

 

When Santa's GPS stops working he becomes a lost Claus

 

Today I found out that Albert Einstein was a real person.
And I thought he was a theoretical physicist

 

"Dead or alive, you're coming with me" is a great movie quote but a terrible pickup line.

 

I lost my job in pool maintenance. It was too draining.

 

fulldeckisms:

 If it's not in his horoscope, he doesn't take it seriously
 If sex appeal were dynamite, he couldn't blow the cobwebs off his balls
 If she was any dumber, she'd be a green plant
 If stupidity were a crime, he'd be number one on the Most Wanted list
 If the government ever declared war on stupidity, he'd get nuked
 If there were a merciful God he'd be dead by now
 If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room
 If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable
 If wit were shit, he'd be constipated
 If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you get change back
 If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean
 Ignorant, and proud of it
 Immune from any serious head injury
 Immune to caffeine and all other stimulants
 In a tub of Preparation H, he'd shrink down to thumb size