Gordisms...

Sorry, Christmas is canceled. Santa is in the hospital
He threw the wrong sack over his shoulder

An egg that always misses it's appointments?
An omelate

 

Fred is going to open a specialty furniture store that only sells pieces designed for putting your feet up.
He's calling it The Ottoman Empire.

 

I’ll tell you what often gets over looked…
…garden fences.

 

Two interesting facts about the actor Yul Brynner
   He was a lifelong fan of Liverpool football club
   He refused to ever wear aftershave
That’s right; Yul never wore cologne

 

They say  no one ever found the Fountain of Youth but many actually have, but they were all youth-anized.

 

I knew a guy who hired a servant who was missing his left arm.
Serves him right.

 

I just lost out on a raffle for a new RV
Oh well. Sometimes you Winnebago sometimes you losebago.

 

I lost my job as a yoga instructor. I bent over backwards for them.

 

fulldeckisms:

 He's so dense, the Titanic wouldn't sink in his head
 Hears everything that a dog can
 Hears more lyrics on records when they're played backwards
 Her ancestors came to this country looking for bananas
 Her ass is sucking swamp gas
 Her blender doesn't go past "mix"
 Her brain is more like a Rube Goldberg device than a computer
 Her dentist went deaf from the drill's echoes
 Her dialing thumb must be broken
 Her ears serve the same function as holes in a dribble glass
 Her head needs a periodic whack on the side
 Her leads need resoldering
 Her memory is truly random-access
 Her mental function can be graphed with a single dot
 Her mere presence causes parity errors, power fails, and head crashes
 Her mind is not grounded to a logic supply
 Her mind might have spontaneously combusted
 Her mind would be unstable even mounted on a tripod
 Her modem lights are on but there's no carrier
 Her phone doesn't quite reach her desk
 Her pool balls don't fit into the rack
 Her sewing machine's been out of thread for some time now