a team effort gord and mel....

  1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson. 

 

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

 

3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

 

4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

 

5. If you're bad at haggling, you'll end up paying the price.

 

6. Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

 

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

 

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

 

9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

 

10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

 

11. I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

 

12. My friends and I have named our band 'Duvet'. It's a cover band.

 

13. I lost my girlfriend's audiobook, and now I'll never hear the end of it.

 

14. Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not c? Because you can't see in the dark.

 

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

 

16. When I told my contractor I didn't want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare. 

 

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, "Oh no, not U2 again.”

  

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk, and the result was staggering.

 

20. I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

 

21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won't lie, it was a rocky road.

 

22. What do you say to comfort a friend who's struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

 

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, "Aisle B, back.”

 

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

 

25. I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness. 

Why are taxidermists so good?
They really know their stuff.

 

Where do ocean waves sleep?
Usually they crash on the shore

 

Fred went to Victoria's Secret  to buy his wife some sexy underwear for Christmas
The shop assistant showed him a really nice set, He said “are they satin?”

She said “no, they’re brand new”

 

What do you call a Sudoku game where all the numbers are imaginary?
Pseudoku

 

Fred slept like a log last night
He woke up at tree pm

 

There is a new Liam Neeson movie where he rescues the wrong girl.
It's called "Mistaken"

 

If people from Denmark are so good ...
... why are all the Great Danes dogs?

 

Getting lost in the woods is just a matter of trail and error.

 

I lost my job at the waste treatment plant. The work environment was so toxic.

 

fulldexckisms:

 His jack can't get the car off the ground
 His mind is a few Hertz off its assigned frequency
 His mind is less substantial than the Emperor's new clothes
 His mind is on vacation but his mouth is working overtime
 His mind is write-protected
 His mind reached escape velocity and achieved orbit
 His mind wandered and never came back
 His page was intentionally left blank
 His picture is in the dictionary under "zero"
 His puzzle is missing a few pieces
 His seat back is not in the full upright and locked position
 His signal-to-noise ratio is epsilon
 His spark can't jump the gap
 His strip is demagnetized
 His system administrator is never in
 His wisdom is stolen from bumper-stickers and T-shirts
 Hypnotized as a child and couldn't be woken