tuesday's gordisms.....

What’s the difference between black eyed peas and chick peas?
Black eyed peas can sing us a song, but chick peas can only hummus one

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?

Swarm.

 

If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

 

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

 

The definition of"perfect pitch:
When you toss a banjo into a dumpster & it hits an accordion

 

People say Fred can't read women
I guess he's chicklexic

 

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It can dissolve marriages, families and careers.

 

Kleptomaniac may not be the most flattering thing someone's called me, but I'll take it

 

I once had a conversation with a guy in a bar who claimed he was a popular singer in the 80s
I kept saying I didn't believe him, but he was adamant.

 

Learning to pick locks changed me
Opened a lot of doors in life for me

 

 

What do you call a zombie cooking stir fry?
Dead man woking.